Polished reminiscence



 I wrote this right after I came back, but it took me three weeks to put it together, oh life...

***
So we are home, today marks a week since we landed back on American soil, and I feel like I have never left. It feels like I haven’t been to Poland, or I have, but in a different life, in some altered dimension and for sure a thousand years ago. I would even say I was dreaming it, if it wasn’t for the fact that Simon’s polish really improved and he is still walking around building sentences and all, responding to me and such, or was is indeed magic!?




So yeah, that is how it usually feels, it seems like in the age of facetime and Dreamliners, that 6,000 miles is not really that big of a distance, the world is much smaller after all. But it does. I feel every mile of the distance and every hour of the time difference, each closing down the window of connection between the worlds. I think quite obviously the time and distance are the real reasons why it always feels like this, why it always feels like it didn’t happen, or happened in a different life, but it is just so surprising… every time it happens.








Yesterday, I miraculously stayed awake past nine o’clock, conquered my jet-lagged instincts to fall asleep standing, only to watch Silicon Valley (and I think everyone should watch it for that matter, it is pretty funny, and seemingly full of wisdom … ”sometimes, I imagine that my skeleton is me and my body is my house, that way I am always home”… absurd? Perhaps? Oddly funny too, because in my case it is also true...



Each time I go and come back, apart from the jet-lagged, I also suffer from what I would call - a sentient split. Something opens up in me again, something that before I had left felt nonexistent, almost healed up. It takes a dose of a mind bending, perceptual antibiotic to reverse it, to get back into balance, force everything back to the state of acceptable existence. It is like some kind of scarred tissue that I just wear, walk around it attached to my chest but don't feel it too often… unless someone points it out and asks "where are you from?" Then I realize it is still there, just like having a giant scar I guess... I feel like I am opening a wound over and over and over again, anytime it patches up, here we go again. So the scarred tissue is thin and shrill…



Hence this time, I have questioned the whole process, why am I doing this to myself, over and over again, should I give myself more time to heal, do I even allow myself to? Shouldn’t I just live here and now, left “there” and was finally “here”, got rid of all this nostalgia, and sentiments behind.





I guess what I mean is that it costs a lot and I don't even mean the airfare...





Then I look at my children, look at everything they are and I wonder if they will feel the same way at some point, will that also affect them? Do I want to inject them with that slit malady, uproot them just slightly so they feel like me, even if marginally, still out of the here and now? Won't they feel uncanny, will they recognize the ache? Will they wonder why and where is it coming from? If so, they will always feel half of something... and being half of something doesn’t mean it is worse, but generally when you are a half something, half from somewhere, doesn’t it make it harder for you to feel full, full at all times, without the ache?




And then I see Simon, speaking polish fluently only after two weeks of being there, I see Leo opening up to everyone, welcoming new faces with smiles and wonder of delight, seeing all these people that fill their lives, even if only for a little bit, and then I see it is good, even if they disappear shortly after… I repeat to myself that it is all worth it, it is worth the wound, the wound I keep re-digging, it is worth the split, it is even worth their slim uncomfortableness, their "so who am I really?" Because when we are torn just a little, we feel a little more too... I hope they will appreciate it one day and that it will make them happy that we did this to ourselves, because all the beautiful things in life tend to leave us with scars...



Credits:
Cake: my mom
Leo and Simon's Warsaw finest shirts: PLNY Lalakids
Simon's bear pants: HuxBaby
Wireless earphones: Sudio Sweden












16 comments

  1. I loved this. And I feel 1000% the same way about thailand where I spent my childhood. I ache for it all the time. In summer, when the smell of hot tar reminds me of Chiangmai, and in winter, when I am longing for heat on my skin. And every time I go it feels immediately like a dream. And I wish I could live there, but then I'd miss here. And I wish I could just apparate Harry Potter style to deal with it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lol girl your doing just fine! Don't stress yourself too much... do what makes you the most comfortable..!! Your style seems perfectly fine to me!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well, it’s a nice one, I have been looking for. Thanks for sharing such informative stuff.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks for sharing amazing information !!!!!!
    Please keep up sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This particular post is really very interesting. It has a really great peace of Data,
    I enjoyed very well with this particular blog it has very useful information
    I like to much the style of this Article
    thats really nice and informative article.Thank You.

    hey,look, i found something very interesting article

    about garden tools and tips,
    best gas grill under 200
    best gas grill under 500
    best lawn edger
    best chaninsaw under 200
    best inflatable water slides
    Deepest inflatable pool

    ReplyDelete
  6. Are you looking for guest posting/blogging sites? then click :
    seo submit a guest post

    ReplyDelete
  7. Your blog provided us with valuable information to work with

    Sissy

    ReplyDelete
  8. Wow! Very impressive work! Great post! I'll be back for sure!

    ReplyDelete
  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Our bureau is the only area known to provide friendly and esthetical girlfriend (escort service in jaipur) and companion which you can't deny in dreamy state. It is because of the services of the sexy babes are extremely warmth, esthetical and perfect in each and every sense. The instant can always be memorable and lingering. It may be so good a grin will flash on mind memory the experience. They are largely of college going pupils of hi society WHO enjoys to serve them beforehand of fellows.

    call girl in jaipur

    ReplyDelete
  11. The Government of India launched the Skill India campaign on 15th of July, 2015. This program comes under the direction of Ministry of Skill Development and Entrepreneurship. Skill India plan was introduced by the government to promote the skill development of the youth of the Indian economy especially the ones coming from the rural sector. This program is working on the certification and employment of the youth of India. The purpose is the creation of skill in youth to strengthen the infrastructure in order to support entrepreneurship development and skill development in the economy through Apprenticeship training programmes.
    electrical apprenticeship vacancies

    ReplyDelete
  12. So whenever you are feeling low and lonely on your lifetime we're here To supply one of the greatest Independent Escorts agency in Jaipur and will cause you to feel fresh and create things depending on your way. At this time period only be here and we'd be thankful and also make things depend for you. We a few naughty, sexy and higher profile escorts agency who'll like to meet and constantly desires to be hand whom it is possible to hold and forgot all of your anxiety and problems in life and attempt to resolve all your problems. The one thing you need to do would be to phone us and tell us exactly what sort of woman you're seeking and we understand that the woman whom you're will make you meet and enable you to receive relief and provide you with woman for your incall and outcall calls too.


    call girls in jaipur
    escort service in jaipur

    escorts service in jaipur

    ReplyDelete