On Loneliness.



The dust has settled down, and we are settled in, trying to feel like home is home. Trying to adjust to the new normal that still feels out of ordinary. The new normal of being completely, utterly out of place. We are hoping that our new place will feel in place and like our place, sometime, soon, but probably later than sooner. Sadly I can keep going, oh brother, I won't...






And let me tell you, quite bluntly. I feel pretty lonely at times. Quite vividly, on a Monday morning, when the doors behind Cass close and I am left in the quiet house, a house that still needs so much organizing and cleaning and figuring out, a task that feels so damn overwhelming and daunting, like a constant reminder that we are starting from scratch... I am not saying this because I seek pity, I am not saying this because I think anything can be done differently, I am saying this because it is true, and I feel like the lonesome burden is well understood among mothers like myself and maybe even among mothers unlike myself. I think in general humans are battling loneliness, thus I am saying this so at least in this aspect, I don't feel lonely, see what I did here?...I hope it makes sense.





I have always been a lonesome type, always longing for something, I think it is a natural habitat of a melancholic soul like mine. Such soul always seeks to fill some void, always. I was always aware of it and grew to coexist with it.





However, the recent state of affairs amplified this feeling, the void, the ache and made me dig deeper into it.





I know that the life I chose a long time ago would involve more loneliness than average. If there is even any gauge measuring loneliness… cause that just doesn’t make sense, but still, my situation, moving away from my family, my country, my language and culture, destined me into feeling like this, more often than not.







I was always a "seek to please" kind of a person, I want to do things right so so it is hard for someone to have something against me, because knowing that someone may not approve of something I do is just like a bullet to my heart, as if it could kill me in an instant. Pretty silly and pretty immature and definitely a few weeks of therapy for postpartum anxiety won't really fix that kind of a personality issue. I also know now that people who want to always keep everyone happy around them are often the loneliest people around. I attest to this. I am slowly learning how not to waste my energy on trying to constantly control "PR status" among my family and friends, but it is difficult to let go of that thought. It requires a lot of trust and self-acceptance and confidence, all virtues I am still trying to grow.



And yet, I moved distances that broke apart many real life relationships, so naively, I seek, what I cannot keep onto in real life, in the virtual one.

I found friends online, real friends, some I have never met but I know one day I will... But apart from that, an attempt to fill the lone void with social media is a really pooor, poor choice of a remedy. I mean it is easy for a person like me to seek it there, but I know I will never fully find it either. We all know how social media gauges of likes and harts are changing with a sinusoidal regularity. Also… sometimes things don't mean what they seem to mean, sometimes not saying anything speaks a thousand words too, there is much negativity to be found, even if one avoids it, it will find its way around to invite itself in. so it is easy to feel lonely on there too... I heard term a "hate follow" and it sort of scared me, but then again, if it is something I cannot control, so I really should stop trying.
 

Currently, I feel like life is a bit of a bubble, it is hard to be in this new place surrounded by strangers, but it is also impossible to remedy this with just social media and the virtual world. But I also know it is a stage, a difficult one for a soul like mine that needs to feed off of people's energy that likes to be surrounded by people, that loves to interact. This motherhood gig is a great one, but I feel like it deprives us of feeling like we are out there, with people, in the world.... I don't know, maybe it is just me feeling this way... I wish, I could feel that life is now, right here, in the little things, but I do struggle with that, and I constantly seek to fill that ache and void, with something bigger... Because it feels like the little things don't really do it, at least not all the way, not all of it, maybe it is just wider, deeper, sort of enlarged by everything that happened lately, again...

I am writing this just a few days before I leave for Poland, I have been writing this for the past weeks with thoughts coming and going, cutting and deleting things, then adding more things back in. Because the topic I am trying to discuss is really complex... I know that the trip will help in some ways, but then won't help in others, I know, like a Facebook status, it is complicated.



One thing is true for sure though: Because I have been lonely, I value love.




I will continue to seek friends in real life, I will continue to seek friends online, but both with balance and distance rather than throwing my heart in front of it. I just need to focus on being me, the one I want to see, the me I want to be, the me I want to accept and I should not try to appease anyone else with it, it is nobody's job but mine, maybe then I will feel less lonely in this lonely period of life, happening now.


Credits:
Tripling dotted outfits: Le.Edit
Letter L poster: Black Cat Design
Shopping Cart Baby Hammock: Binxy
Wooden toys: House of Folklore - free shipping for USA readers if you click the link.


13 comments

  1. Hi, your blog is a new discovery for me and i just wanted to thank you for being so open & honest online! i appreciate anyone who dares to tell all online, because most people put up a happy-picture-perfect-front & choose to only show the best or even seek to create a perfect moment just for the sake of their online 'PR status'. i hope everything will fall into place for you soon ! Enjoy your trip

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    1. Gosh Thank you thank you thank you so much, the best kinds of comments to stumble upon <3!!!!! xoxo

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  2. Hope you have a wonderful trip Anja! So refreshing to hear about your honest thoughts and feelings. Hope you find what you are looking for.
    Lovely pic of the toys btw ;)

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    1. Thank you so so much! for reading, for being here, so so appreciated!! XO

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  3. I feel like any comment I leave here is unworthy of your beautiful sentiments- but what a pleasure to read your thoughts! xx

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    1. Gosh that is way to kind to say, every comment is so worthy, of everything, ande it makes me feel the happiest to find it <3

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  4. Gosh, I just randomly checked your blog tonight, and now I sit...fingers poised in response, but I can't find the words. Such a beautifully honest heart felt post. I wish I had some insightful advice, but sadly I have none. I think so many mothers can relate, and all the situations would be vastly different. I so wish we could meet in person someday! I know there would be lots of laughter, and of course...denim and stripes :) xx Lauren

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    1. Thank you Friend!!! just you being here, and on IG, talking to me, being a friend is all I need, thank you for it all <3 much much love XO

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  5. Your writing style really draws me in, influenced by your honesty about the fact that we can be happy and full yet long to fill a void that is always there. I get that. How come there's no subscribe option? I'm a masters student and if something doesn't force its presence in my email I will probably drift from it due to my busy schedule. Please let me know how I can ensure that doesn't happen with your blog :)
    Zizi

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    1. Thank you so much!! that is the very best kind of compliment ever! thank you again and again!!!!! and gosh I am working on making this feature work, not sure why it doesn't ;) I am so bad with coding, but I promise to make it happen soon, I will let you know! XOXO

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    2. I'm glad :) and I will try my best to pop by now and then until you do.

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  6. I love this article. You are a wonderful writer!

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  7. Hi Anja,

    Love your honesty and you inspire to start my own online journal too. Like you, I moved away from home, family and friends and got married to a man in another city. Have two kids and am feeling exactly like you. Exactly just like how you described in your post. Motherhood can be really lonely sometimes. I am so exhausted most days I can't even find energy to go out and meet friends. Slowly, they just kind of disappear from my life. Social media is the way I connect nowadays. Pretty sad.

    xx Danielle

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