{ waiting game vs a surprise party }


In all honesty, I didn't think I would make it this far, I never suspected that this baby will stay inside this long and so avidly...
In all honesty, I never believed in my body very much, not before and not particularly now... One could say, I am one ungrateful body possessor, always have been, which is sad yet true, but body image aside...




When it comes to pregnancy, I always thought I am a phony, that my body is a phony, it never occurred to me that it has been cut to make perfect babies and deliver them into the world in the most magical and safest of ways possible. I envy women who feel like that, fertile goddesses with the birthing powers... So I pretend I am one of them, but I am not. I don't believe in my body very much nor in my abilities in making babies, I still look at Simon and wonder how the hell did I even mange to get something this perfect? What gives? Effing miracle! How was it possible that I did not ruin him and helped him get into the world, weird feelings but truthful ones...



With this baby, I am even more insecure and worried, maybe because this time I decided to embrace, or should I say rather, try to find an inch of the fertile goddess in me and went ahead with the midwives to lead my pregnancy. They tell you even less about everything, there is only one ultrasound... You have to trust your body... Like whaaat!? How do I even do it? my body can screw up people!? Someone please check on it more!? a voice in my head yells every week I go to see the midwife... 
With Simon being three weeks early, having induced his labor at 36 weeks and 5 days due to a broken sac of water, no contractions, possible infections... After 12 hours of agony and worry that it was too soon, not like I thought it would have been, and all wrong, he came into my arms in the most perfect and calmest of ways, surprised me with everything... surprised me with his strength and endurance through the induction, the ease of the actual delivery and beauty of his birth, it was a miracle, indeed... He was just perfect. Labor was not anything like I imagined but birth was everything and more. I cannot comprehend I can feel that way again.... But here I am waiting for his brother, like a cry wolf announcing that I am not lasting till the due date with this one for sure... That my body will probably screw up again. But for now it is holding on and seems like can carry a baby to full term.

However, with each day I feel like I am further from having a baby than closer to holding one, it is so weird, don't really understand it. Instead of the confidence that should come from the wait, it is planting new fears in my head and heart. A billion of them really. And just like back then a total surprise was my reason or should I say, excuse to be scared and worried, it looks like the wait and uncertainty do the same for me, just because it is different now and even more perfect how I wanted it back then, it has not gotten any easier not to be scared...

All in all - being my favorite meaningless saying - I know I need to be nicer to myself, and probably I should end this post with some sort of pledge to trust in myself and all, that there is nothing wrong with me and I don't need to follow all the book like examples of perfect labors to experience the miracle of birth, cause luckily it is such a freaking grande miracle that even less effectively contracting bodies will get to experience eventually and I could not be happier about that part.
So see you in the other side of bumps, I think these were my last bump style pictures, we took them over the Labor-ahem- day weekend and the very top ones are my last ones from yesterday taken between one contraction and the other, dully noted for the memory books.



1 comment

  1. Here are my thoughts Darling: It is not "nice" to compare your baby to other babies in a superior way but nevertheless, I remember how much more developed Zoard was compared to other babies who were his age, but came out earlier than he did. I was 41 weeks pregnant when I had to have a C-cection and Zoard was such a strong baby, he didn't look fregile like newborns. My husband was around 2kg-s when he was born and I was less as a newborn, and here we had a baby who was over 4kg-s. Babies who stay longer might be more ready for the big world and maybe they have more control over the whole birth story and it is less and less about your body and your confidence... They are the gods with the strength, regardless of you... Kisses, Eszter @zoardminiboy

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