Getting back




Before I sat down to type this post, I have been writing it in my head for months now, maybe even for years… Quite possibly I might have started it, the moment I left my old office right before giving birth to Simon… After that day, December 30th, I have never returned to the office again, for four years, I kept working for another two years, but mostly from home… but now I am going back to work, full time, not from home as I did manage in the past, but back to an actual office, to an office life, to daily commute etc. It scares me but it also makes me excited.
I am coming back, after kids, I am coming back as a changed woman, and a changed employee, it is not the same girl that left the office life, for sure not, but I feel like she still is in me, and she needs her time back. I have to give her a chance to see if she can or wants to keep chasing her dreams, her ambitions, her ideas. She did make me go through graduate school twice pregnant, had me started an MBA pregnant and finished also pregnant. So after all, she is driven and wants to go out there, and I am letting her out.

My other me, the domesticated one, the one with all the other feelings is panicking right now, she is torn and scared and lost. She wonders will it ever feel normal not to be with her kids, her heart breaks thinking she has to take her baby to daycare for 8 hours a day, she is so damn worried about him, about every little thing, about him needing his post nap hug, about his ways of seeking comfort when he gets scared, he is still so tiny and innocent, he knows nothing else but HER.


So here is a conflict, a conflict that is playing out in my head for a while now, it is quite tormenting and exhausting, being excited but also so damn scared.


But I know I cannot make a decision without trying first, I cannot give up before I start, I have to try to make it work and find out if it is really going to work.



I have been so lonely lately, so confined to the four walls of my home, the car and a nearby park that I think I lost a part of myself somewhere. That spark that lets me believe I can do so much out there in the world, that I still can. I forgot the world is so busy and big and will take me back. I need it, I need human interaction and being a part of a team… and I can only hope my babies will be just fine.






4 comments

  1. Thank you for this post. <3 I returned to work when my oldest was 4 months and will be returning again next week with my newest at 4 months. It's so bittersweet. I share your mentality: we cannot say it doesn't work until we try. I've been telling myself that for months now. It is so, so hard but sometimes hard is good. Your baby will do great and will have the irreplaceable benefit of a strong bond with another trusted caretaker. I view that as a lifelong gift we give our babies (even if if breaks our hearts in the moment). Hugs to you, mama. <3

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  2. It's good to search for your self. After I give birth to my second boy I stopped working at the office and started a job for my self. I'm happy to work when my kids are at school so between 9-14:30 it's worktime and them I'm home to take care of the two best kids in the world. So listen to your heart and take a good look into you're kidseyes. Enjoy working. Greetings @by_kirsten from IG

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  3. I am on the same side right now and my feelings also are mixed. I am still trying to figure out how I can find myself in this? The life will be faster and I don't want to lose something.

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